<-----------------------------------------------------------------------------> % "New York pizza makes the bad times good, the good times better and the better times betterer." -- Steve Buscemi % "Te futueo et caballum tu." (screw you and the horse you rode in on) % "Test early and often" -- Bjarne Stroustrup % "If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem." -- Bjarne Stroustrup % "People who think they know everything really annoy those of us who know we don't" -- Bjarne Stroustrup % "People don't think it be like it is, but it do." -- Oscar Gamble % "Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday." -- from Usenet % "Ichariba chode, Japanese phrase meaning 'though we meet but once, even by chance, we are friends for life.'" % "Architecture people are solving problems that they think they can solve, not problems which are useful to solve." -- Joel Spolsky on Architect Astronauts % "Having Bob on your team is like having two good workers quit." % "I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain % "It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others." % "I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this in a way that you can understand." % "A step backwards is still a step, and my fitness tracker still counted it towards my daily goal." -- Simone Giertz % "Alcohol is God's apology for making us self-aware." -- James May % "They don't give PHDs to the smartest people, they give them to the most stubborn." % "I am haunted by your incompetence, it keeps me up at night. I find the hues and shades of your shortcomings almost moving. If we could only somehow harness your uselessness, we could fuel this entire city!" -- Heimdall, God Of War: Ragnarok % "Germans, of course, have no love life. They can't, since whispering 'I love you' to your sweetie sounds just the same as telling her that you wish to eviscerate her corpse and place the head on a spear in the front yard as a warning to others." -- Dan Sorenson % "I'd rather adjust to your absence than be continously frustrated by your presence." % "Underpromise, but overdeliver." % "Always code as if the person who ends up maintaining your code is a violent psychopath who knows where you live." % "Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavour." -- Truman Capote % "Great stories happen to those who can tell them." % "A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee." % "If it were that easy, even you could do it." -- Jack Daniel % "Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can't do great things. It's called garbage can, not garbage can't." % "A software developer is a machine for converting ambiguity into 'that's not what I meant'" -- Julian Russell % "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light." -- Dylan Thomas % "All this time and all this money and your rise to the top has been a meandering jog on a treadmill." -- John Oliver, Last Week Tonight % "The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter" -- Sam Spade, The Maltese Falcon % "Lazy is such an ugly word - I prefer the term selective participation." % "Paranoia is a skill, it is the secret to longevity." % "We feel free when we escape, even if it be but from the frying pan into the fire." % "Before you write your Internet comment, ask yourself this: "Will this really quell the endless tide of callow insecure rage in my heart?" -- Sinan Kubba % "Trust is an illusory grudge cried by those who take comfort in false certainty." -- Mozzie, White Collar % "It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn." % "Developers should be exposed to the pain that they cause." -- Brunton Spall on developers taking responsiblity for their systems % "Congress is like jazz - it's really about the bills it's not passing. It's also like jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don't are lying." -- John Oliver % "What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." -- Billy Madison % "DHS has all the power of Ann Landers. They can advise and you can ignore it." -- Robert Clark % "QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv." % "You're talking in a tone that implies an authority I don't think you have, Dr. Williams." -- Hand of God % "Are you talking to me or are you writing a Facebook post?" -- Chase in House % "Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9." % "From the moment I saw you, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life avoiding you." % "LSD causes users to lose weight. That makes sense - it's kind of hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it." % >> It's quick, it's easy and it's free: pouring river water in your socks. > Why would you do that? It's quick, it's easy and it's free! % "Imagine a horror movie where you're trapped in your house with a serial killer, but all your lights are clappers. So you're running for your life from this psychopath, while both of you are just aggressively clapping the lights on and off." -- The Average Gatsby % "Turn your binoculars around. See, now the tigers are smaller and futher away. You've got to be smart to survive in the rainforest." -- doglets % "People say dolphins are smart, but they're not smart enough not to be shitty grey rubber tubes flapping about in the goddamn ocean." -- reallyreallytrying % "Allergies are weird as heck. You can snap a human leg in half and they can recover but if you eat a peanut you're dead." -- Silversora % You are at work. There are emails to the North. > answer email Three more appear. > answer emails Twelve more appear. > run You cannot run. % "I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception." -- Groucho Marx % "The measure of your compassion lies not in your service of those in the margins, but in your willingness to see yourself in kinship with them." -- Father Greg Boyle, S.J. % "Guilt is something small people feel when they run out of excuses for their behaviour." -- Number Six, Battlestar Gallactica % "Kidnapping? I prefer the term 'surprise adoption'." % "Abashed the devil stood and felt how awful goodness is and saw Virtue in her shape how lovely: and pined his loss." -- John Milton, Paradise Lost % "I'm not calling you an idiot but we should use people like you to test if stuff is safe." % "The key words "MUST", "MUST NOT", "REQUIRED", "SHALL", "SHALL NOT", "SHOULD", "SHOULD NOT", "RECOMMENDED", "MAY", and "OPTIONAL" in this document are to be interpreted as described in RFC 2119." % "Never trust a developer who tells you that any of the following are easy: Unicode, dates/times/time zones, threading, DNS, IPv6, debugging." -- Coates % "The music is all around us. All you have to do is listen." -- August Rush % "The government lies to you about the extent of its surveillance of you. The government says it needs secrecy, but lies about its secrets. The government says it needs expanded powers to fight terrorism, but lies: in fact it uses expanded "anti-terrorism" powers to advance a variety of domestic agendas. Terrorism is whatever the government says it is." -- Popehat % The greatest danger of drugs is that they destroy the most important thing in life: the power to decide. The most precious thing you have is the power to choose." -- Paulo Coelho % "Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." -- C.S. Lewis % "Don't waste hospital time. You've done this to yourself, don't be a pussy. Ride it out!" -- Steve Ludwin on inducing heart attacks, breathing problems, paralysis. % "What doesn't kill you fucks you up mentally and affects your ability to have stable relationships with other human beings." % "Synthesizer sounds were like someone had invented a colour that nobody has ever seen." % "Activity suggests a life filled with purpose." % "On one hand I dislike abortion because it gives women a choice, and on the other I like it because it kills babies." % "You may be right, but the thing is Wendell, I don't give a shit. And I never have." -- Runaway Jury % "Anger and jealousy do not last forever, but a gunshot fired in an impulsive rage often does." -- Huffington Post % "The best way to get management excited about a disaster plan is to burn down the building across the street." -- Dan Erwin, CSO, Dow Chemical (2008) % "There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors." % "A woman is not a vagina that happens to have the downside of a personality attached to it like a parasite." -- Cracked % "Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a punctuation mark, a gang sign, an extinct mammal, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin." % "Age is just a number, maturity is a choice." % "Seriously - JavaScript was designed by sociopaths." -- Marcus Lagergren % "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." -- Mark Twain % "Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult." % "God may well have his reasons, but he seems to use a lot of psychotics to carry out his job orders." -- Fox Mulder, X-Files, S05E17 % "If your neighbor was a terrorist would you support drone strikes?" % "So, you're obviously the big dick. And there on either side of you are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big, brave balls, and there are little, mincy faggot balls. You're dicks have driving clarity of vision. But they're not clever; they smell pussy, and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good ol' pussy, and have brought your two little, mincey, faggot balls along for a good ol' time. But you've got your parties muddled up. There's no pussy here- just a dose that will make you wish you were born a women. Like a prick, you're having second thoughts. You're shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written on the side of your guns. And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle .50" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now fuck off!" -- Bullet-Tooth Tony, Snatch % "When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them." -- Ron Swanson % "Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway." --Andrew S. Tanenbaum % "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men experience it as a whole. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -- Helen Keller % "Home is acceptance." -- Searching for Sugar Man % "Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead." -- Benjamin Franklin % "A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep." -- Zag % "You're more of a fun vampire, because you don't suck blood, you just suck." % "For those wondering how Kay Burley sleeps at night. It's hanging upside down by her talons, in a lair after feasting on unicorn steak." -- Justin Moorhouse % "Saying that Java is good because it works on all platforms is like saying anal sex is good because it works on all genders." -- Lamont Cranston % "Love is like a lost fart - if you have to force it, it's probably shit." % which kind of authentification FreeBSD developers use for svn access? Whenever an incoming connection is made, a truthsayer kills a bird and looks at the intestines to predict whether the access attempt is legitimate or not. % "The problem with email is that someone else is involved." -- Tiga % "Immature: a word boring people use to describe fun people." % "People don't stop partying because they get old; they get old because they stop partying." -- The Matches % "I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you." -- Friedrich Nietzsche % "Sometimes the brightest light comes from the darkest places." % "'Sexist' is just a word that women made up to summarise the terms 'Facts' and 'Reality'." % "Im not sexist, I just wish women would stop whining about doing the things they were born to do." % "There's nothing wrong with you, there's a lot wrong with the world you live in." -- Chris Colfer % "Try to avoid introducing yourself to strangers in the bathroom with "the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice." -- Holy Taco % "Picture a hamster in an exercise wheel. Running, running, running, running, and getting nowhere at all. That's sysadmin" -- Greg Andrews % "Life is like sendmail: you're not sure you know how to handle it, but you know it'll end in tears." -- Malcolm Ray % "Bell Atlantic. If telecommunications were a prison, BA would be the 300-pound inmate who takes a certain..."liking" towards you." -- Isaac-Lew % "My group's mission statement - 'You want *what*? By *WHEN* ?'" -- Simon Burr % "It's like autism, or that point just before overdosing on cocaine." -- Chris Vickery % "I am a misanthropic humanist....Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY." -- Bill Hicks % "All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock." % ""My eyes are up here." Yeah, I know, but your boobs are down there." % "How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black." -- TerrorTone % "Wordpress is an unauthenticated remote shell that, as a useful side feature, also contains a blog" -- Azonberg % "If you always do what you've always done, then you always get what you've always got." -- Tony DiNozzo, NCIS % "It's not how big you are in the fight, it's how big the fight is in you." % "Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around." -- Tom Cruise, Vanilla Sky % "The funniest are people making multiple spelling errors while complaining about your writing. It's like the Hindenburg's captain criticizing your fire safety." -- Luke McKinney, Cracked % "Delay is the deadliest form of denial." -- C. Northcote Parkinson % "Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge." - Scott Adams % "Now could we perhaps change that in childhood, get women to think logically? I don't know. We still need loving, nurturing mommies, and I'm not sure you can pack too many male characteristics into a female body and still get a mommy." http://www.jeanhsu.com/2011/08/04/why-startups-should-try-to-hire-women/ % "Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." -- G. K. Chesterton % "You, like my mother, communicate in short bursts of incomprehensible English that have no obvious response or call to action" -- John Siracusa % "I've written enough PHP in anger to know about the language" -- John Siracusa % "Write every commit message like the next person who reads it is an axe-wielding maniac who knows where you live." -- Unknown % "Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious." -- Oscar Wilde % "Religion flies you into buildings, science flies you into space." % "It's hard to see the difference between sarcasm and real stupidity on the Internet. So I have no idea whether you're joking or if you're actually an idiot." -- IMDb forums % "In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time someting like that happened in politics or religion." - Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP Keynote Address % "unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep" % "The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep." -- Robert Frost % "Look. at your comment. Back to. mine. Back to yours NOW BACK TO MINE. Sadly, it isn't mine. But. if you stopped trolling and started posting legitimate crap it could LOOK like. mine. Look down, back. up, where are you? You're scrolling through comments, finding. the. ones that your comment could look like. Back at mine, what is it? It's a highly effective. counter-troll. Look.. again,. MY COMMENT IS NOW DIAMONDS. Anything. is possible when you think before you comment or post." % "XML is like violence. If it doesn't solve your problem, you're just not using it enough." % "The thing is to be prepared always to help other people if there's an opportunity to do so." -- Nicholas Winton, MBE % "Don't be content in your life just to do no wrong, be prepared every day to try and do some good." -- Nicholas Winton, MBE % "It's easy to know what drugs you should never try. There are advertisements for them on television." -- @YoungMansGuide % "Don't worry about integrity, this is the internet, anything goes." % "Activision's Bobby Kotick hates developers, innovation, cheap games, you." % "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different." % "Seriously... statistics are like when you're mowing your lawn and you hit a rock and it just goes FLYING across the yard. You're clenched up hoping it doesn't hit your car but secretly hoping that the neighbor's dog (the one that has the acidic pee that turns your grass yellow) gets annihilated." % "Weekend: the time when consuming copious amounts of illicit products becomes socially acceptable." -- Cracked % "I have mod points. The reign of terror begins now." % "Evil is the absense of empathy." -- Friday, Murder investigation % "Eew, It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up." -- Philip J. Fry % "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." -- Mitch Hedberg % "I love work. It fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours." -- Jerome K. Jerome % "This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force." -- Dorothy Parker % "Tequila isn't a drink, it's a way to bring the police around without using the telephone." -- Dylan Moran % "My doctor says im a paranoid shizophrenic. Ok, he didn't actually say it, but WE knew he was THINKING IT!!" -- Robert Ranking % "Always remember that things go more smoothly if you both have something to lose. Try to involve her in a crime, not a civil one, because felonies are forever." % "Husbands get more benefit from marriage than wives, such as a valuable, constant stream of constructive criticism. Always said in either a high pitched voice, or between clenched teeth." % "Why, I'd've hardly known what was wrong with me if it wasn't for my ex-wife. Thanks, honey." % "Divorce is expensive because it's worth it." % "No man is complete until he is married.. then he is finished." % "After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together." -- Sacha Guitry % "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." -- David Bissonette % "There are two things that can get you out of any situation; duct tape and WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't - duct tape it. If it should move and doesn't - WD-40." % "If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong." % "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list." % "Bad laws are a gateway drug to complete social collapse." % "The loudness of a ringtone is directly proportional to how truly awful the music being played is." % "The loudness of a ringtone is inversely proportional to the likelihood of a phone being answered." % "What I do is Good and Pure; what they do is Bad and Dirty." -- Paul Carr % "I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up." -- Twig % "The Internet is just the world passing around notes in a classroom" -- Jon Stewart % "Distrust yourself, and sleep before you fight. 'Tis not too late tomorrow to be brave." -- Susan Travers % "Buying trance is a lot like buying a car. Don't buy American." % "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." -- Ghandi % "Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available." -- Benford's law of controversy % "It's not a lie if you believe it." -- George Costanza % "I don't get racism. There's so many reasons to not like people, and you choose color?" -- Guy on This American Life % "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." -- Dawn Summers % "It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others" -- Despair Inc. % "News is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress; all the rest is advertising." -- Alfred Harmsworth, 1st Viscount Northcliffe % "After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is Music." -- Aldous Huxley % "Life can be great, but not when you can't see it. So, open your eyes to life: to see it in the vivid colors that God gave us as a precious gift to His children, to enjoy life to the fullest, and to make it count. Say yes to your life. And when it comes to drugs and alcohol just say no." -- Nancy Reagan % Here is my impression of Wikipedia. "There are five fingers on the human hand [citation needed]" % "I'm willing to accept there are people smarter than myself, I just haven't met them yet." % "If I've learned anything, it's that we can never let the chaos and injustice make us so blind with anger that we become part of the problem. Understanding compassion, kindness and love are the only true revolutionary ideas."" % "Arguing on the internet is like running at the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded." % "A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking." -- Thomas Edison % "My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right." -- Ashleigh Brilliant % "[Anonymity] merely serves to take all responsibility from the man who cannot stand by what he has said." -- Schopenhauer % "MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken." -- Lewis Black % "Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!" -- Eleanor Roosevelt % "Women are like the police, they could have all the evidence in the world but they still want the confession." -- Chris Rock % "Technical support is the art of talking to people who are already angry at you, about a subject that frightens them, while attempting to maintain the illusion that you know what the hell you're talking about." -- Steighton Haley % "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson % Regex is latin for "saw off thine limbs" % "Ahh, IRC, Kind of like downloading porn on limewire, When you open it up, you are never quite sure what you're going to see, but odds are good that it will scar you for life." % "My body is not my temple, its more like my bar and grill." % "Be a pessimist and you'll never be disappointed." % "CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL." % "The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music." % "Bad grammar makes me [sic]" % "Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." -- Aldous Huxley % "Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him." -- Aldous Huxley % "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad." -- Aldous Huxley % "Trying to make digital files uncopyable is like trying to make water not wet." -- Bruce Schneier % If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." -- Jack Handy % "Beware the Four Horsemen of the Information Apocalypse: terrorists, drug dealers, kidnappers, and child pornographers. You can be assured that no right is safe, nor investigative method over the line, when one of the horsemen is involved." -- Bruce Schneier (paraphrased) % "The sum of our experiences is all we are." % "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." % "Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value." % "Activities suggest a life filled with purpose." % "It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." % "I'm European. Guns scare me, boobs do not." % "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." -- Matt Barry % "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." -- Ronald Reagan % "Trust, but verify." -- Ronald Reagan % "Ex experientia dico." -- I'm speaking from experience % "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research." % "The internet does not make you stupid, it just makes your stupidity more accessible to others." % "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -- Edmund Burke % "We must not always judge of the generality of the opinion by the noise of the acclamation." -- Edmund Burke % "I'm not trying to be a pessimist, I'm just trying not to be ... optimistic." -- John Huerta % "The computer *is* the game." -- Tom Christiansen % "Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of backup tapes hurling down the highway." -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum % "Ladies.. if God didn't want you to cook, then why'd he put milk and eggs in your body?" % "Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs." -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 % "After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." -- Aldous Huxley % "Society is wrong about us, but we shall overcome the lies. Politicians with a false morality they will only fuel the fire. No one can stop us now, it will only lift us higher. FIRE is what i am, FIRE is what I breath, the HEAT is what I bring." - Luna, "Now is the time" % "Non ex transverso sed deorsum." % "A single death, after all, is a tragedy. A million deaths is a U.N. committee report. Nicely bound. With graphs and pictures." - Lileks % "I know it's an illness but it's made me feel well." % "sar-chasm" - the huge, empty space between what I said and what you somehow managed to miss. % "New corollary to Godwin: As criticism of any issue increases, the likelihood of the Bush Administration linking it to 9/11 approaches 100 percent." % "This post may contain inaccurate information, be habit forming, cause atomic warfare between peaceful countries, speed up male pattern baldness, interfere with your cable reception, exile you from certain third world countries, ruin your marriage, and generally spoil your day. No batteries included, no strings attached, your mileage may vary." % "Three dimensions. The defence rests, your honour." % "our extensive research has shown that failure in relationships is directly proportional to the number of Alt codes one has memorized" % "[disclaimer: current body uptime: 29.5 hours]" % "I love the net, it always makes me come off as a better person than I really am." % "By the way, we went to Iraq to liberate its citizens, piracy hurts the artists and stagehands more than the movie execs, those who need privacy have something to hide, rise in global temperature since the Industrial Revolution is just coincidence, and I'm really really good in bed." -- mattwarden, /. % "If you want to live on the cutting edge, prepare to bleed." % "If it wasn't backed-up, then it wasn't important." % "There is a very, very heavy cost to the process of devaluing information that comes from the government. Lincoln was right. Government trust is a precious resource and there's a question about how much of it we want to squander in telling kids not to use drugs." -- public policy expert Mark Kleiman, Ph.D. % "The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING"" % "You don't frighten us, pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you! I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!" % "If you happen to know who he is -- we're assuming it's a he, since most she's have better things to do -- please, let us know. And if you see him, please accidentally throw something sharp at him." % "And let's describe Attila the Hun as someone with 'an active, outdoor lifestyle.'" -- George Carlin % Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek. % "Vegetarians for oral sex: The only meat that's fit to eat" % "In LA girls like to say 'I'm not religious but I'm spiritual.' I like to reply 'I'm not honest but you're interesting.' % Being a Windows administrator is like sleeping with a fat girl. You do it, but you don't brag to your friends about it. % "An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual." - Conan O'Brien % "Happiness is like peeing yourself. Everybody can see it but only you can feel its warmth." % This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours. % Due to the confusion from too many genres of music, we have decided to put both country music and rap music into the genre of Crap music. % When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and suddenly realized that I was talking to myself. % The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time, and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive. % Wooden shoe rather be Dutch? % "Everytime they shut down a torrent site, god murders a lawyer." % "I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying: «Toys not included.»" -- Bernard Manning % "A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the «Send» button." % "Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis % "The Internet is better than TV: you can brainwash it back." % "Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." - D. Moulton % "I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays." % "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." -- Samuel Goldwyn % "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." % "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Henry Kissenger % "Im not lost. Im just locationally challenged." % "Reading SCO news is like watching the crazy guy arguing with himself. Fun to watch, but only from a safe distance." % "IRC is multiplayer notepad." % "IRC, communication for the unwashed generation." % "Welcome to IRC where men are men, women are men and little girls are FBI agents." % "It's not Hollywood. War is real, war is primarily not about defeat or victory, it is about death. I've seen thousands and thousands of dead bodies. Do you think I want to have an academic debate on this subject?" -- Robert Fisk % "Calling someone and telling them to "get a life", in response to a NANOG post, is like a parapalegic telling me I walk funny." -- Michael Boots % "It's threatening and romantic! It's threatmantic!" % "This is why men never share their feelings; because women always remember." - Just Shoot Me. % "Ability to type on a computer terminal is no guarantee of sanity, intelligence, or common sense." % "When Microsoft Office is your only hammer, pretty much everything begins to look like a nail. Or a thumb." -- Rob Pegoraro % "That said, every indication has been that the Internet moves faster than its opponents -- faster even than its promoters. Not only are the horses out of the barn, but the barn itself is moving at Mach-3." -- Rick Bradley % "There's no underestimating the intelligence of the American public." -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956) % "When I close my eyes, I am at the center of the sun. And I cannot be hurt by anything this wicked world has done" -- Conjure One, "Center of the Sun" % "Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, watery vengeance will be mine!" % "I touch the fire and it freezes me." - SMG in Walk Through The Fire % "When Little Red Riding Hood went to her Grandmother's house and found out she saw a wolf instead of her grandma, she realized she witnessed the first known case of identity theft." % Buffy: Can you cry? Sometimes I feel better when I cry. But... there might be rust issues. April: Crying is blackmail. Good girlfriends don't cry. % "Everything is people" % "Openbox is just nifty on a 27" monitor. It's like 'Hellloooo, screenspace!' - staked on #gentoo % "I'm sitting here completely surrounded by no beer." -- Keeping up appearances % From a letter to the editor in the Boston Globe 11 January 2003 commenting on news reports of American miltary pilots being given amphetamines: Gives a whole new meaning to "Winning the war on drugs." % "Look! It moved! So it can't be completely dead." -- Slashdot about BSD % "I live in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here." % "If you can't beat them - avoid them." % "I begynnelsen var verden et spennende sted å oppholde seg. Så kom vitenskapen." % "The worst foe lies within the self." - Parasite Eve % "Wakey-Wakey, hands off Snakey!" % "There's no bad weather, there's only bad clothing." % "Bus error (Passengers dumped)." % "We are the DoS in the DoS com." % "You might as well call it the "I would rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly with a pencil than pay this, but i have no choice fee" fee." % "We eat bandwith for breakfast." % Q: Why couldn't the 11 year old get into the pirate movie? A: It was rated 'Arrr'. % The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "you lied, you lied, you lied"! % DeMoCrAcy? Yeah, right. % Q: "What do you think when you see a pretty girl walking down the street?" A:. "One side of me says, 'I'd like to talk to her, date her.' The other side of me says, 'I wonder how her head would look on a stick?'" -- E. Kemper % "No one can do to the Disney Corporation what Walt Disney did to the Brothers Grimm." -- Lawrence Lessig (http://www.eff.org/IP/freeculture/) % "Why don't we take a vote?" I suggested. "No!" said David. "That's not fair because the majority will win!" % "A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!" % "Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?" % "Bush, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld: The Axis of Idiocy" -- as heard on IRC % "Care must be exorcised when handring Opiticar System as it is apts to be sticked by dusts and hand-fat." Translation: "Keep your fingers off the lens." % "99 GBs of pr0n on the disk, 99GBs of pr0n, take some down, download it around, 100GBs of pr0n on the disk! 100GBs of pr0n on the disk, 100GBs of pr0n..." -- NodeReaper on perlmonks.org % "If someone has no clue that rm -rf / means tabula rasa, should they have root on a production server in the first place?" -- Aristotle on perlmonks.org % "Rule #17 of Travel: Never try and score dope off Hassidic Jews while under the impression that they are Rastafarians." - Pete McCarthy, McCarthy's Bar % "Don't put your tongue in a socket. The taste of power is too refined for you." % "Bad artists copy. Good artists steal." - Elwood P Dowd % "Life is a creation, not a commodity. Our children are not products to be designed and manufactured." -- George W. Bush (4/10/02) % "If you think my silence is weakness, you mistake me." -- Travis [Deliverance] % "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." % "Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?" % What went wrong? I relied on other people. -- Blake and Avon [Space Fall] % "Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you." % "Management is not responsible for lost or stolen virginity." % "This signature has been tested on animals." % "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate vegetables!" % "I didn't spend two hundred million years clawing my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!" % "Vegetables are what food eats." % "A vegetarian friend of mine, upon seeing me chow down on some Swedish meatballs, said -- and I shit you not -- "Can't you hear them screaming?" % "Although the mini-survival kit in the Parachute Pack DID have a single condom in it, the idea was to use it for water storage. [...] In a life-or-death situation, nothing beats spermicide-flavoured water." -- a.s.r. % "When someone is holding a gun on you, it is wise to comply with his directions precisely, and not improvise your own course of action. If they don't teach this principle at the Criminal Academies, they ought to." -- a.s.r. % "The CVS spam.el is fairly stable (well, it's broken, and that's a sort of stability, isn't it? :)" -- Ted Zlatanov on gnus.ding % "I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question." -- Spock % "I am not a fanatic, I am a true believer." % "Web development with PHP is like injecting pure rust with a high-pressure hose. For pain relief." % "I suck. I can't code. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a washed out sell out capitalizing on my 10 seconds of fame for writing some crappy advisories and some shitty perl code. But because I write perl code doesn't mean I can code. Because I can't code. And I have a small penis." -- Rain Forest Puppy % "First time I read it I thought it said "RIAA sues the galaxy". Funny thing is, I didn't think it was strange." % "A nuclear war can ruin your whole day." % "2001 was the warmest year since 1653 (or thereabouts) which begs the question, exactly who or what was emitting CO2 at present day levels back then?" % "Drive defensively. Buy a tank." % "Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?" % wok, n.: Something to thwow at a wabbit. % "Do you believe in intuition?" "No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will." % Error -2147483630 reading header: cpio: failed - Success % "Lord of the Rings (2001): rated PG-13 for epic battles" % "Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on." % "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." % "Isn't it funny how Microsoft's strongest supporters are the ones who don't legally own any Microsoft software?" % "... a cross-platform game engine that require Windows with DirectX 8.1 ..." % "If NASA asks you the answer to the universe, tell them its 42." -- Ars Technica Forums % "... I inadvertedly yelled out "Dammit, I wish I just had a Mac." ..." % "I came, I saw, I ran away screaming" % Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. % Stallman: "God told me I programmed the best editor in the world!" Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I programmed the best OS in the world!" Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that." % "Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down." % "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams % "...systems wrongly configured with Microsoft SQL Server software..." -- ZDNet % "This message has been ROT-26 encoded. Any attempt to decode it is subject to prosecution under the DMCA" % "FATAL ERROR: x86 Architecture Found." % "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." -- Wolfgang Pauli % "Windows XP (less popular than anthrax, there's a testimonial for you)" -- The Register % "Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -- Terry Pratchett % "The world is coming to an end. Please log off." % "Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower." % "All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power" -- Ashleigh Brilliant % 43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr Segmentation violation -- Core dumped % "Just tighten your fists, squint your eyes, press your lips together, turn beet red, quiver, pound the table, adjust your white cap and scream: "It can't be! Blackhats can't code!"" -- Aliver on the Full-Disclosure list % "(3) With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead." - RFC1925 % "I have no tolerance for right wing publications and pundits that constantly spew a vicious, Manichean view of the world, and I don't tolerate it on the left, either. Oversimplification is for the weak." -- Rafe Colburn (rc3.org) % "The Internet is a great way to get on the Net." -- Bob Dole % "I had occasion to write today, 'Best viewed through the bottom of a beerglass' about a website that had another one of those binary Windows-only plugins." -- Paul Martin, in the Monastery % "'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand." % "A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs." % "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."-- Unknown % "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -- Calvin & Hobbes % "A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there " --William James (1842-1910) % "Men, we are surrounded by the enemy, We have the greatest opportunity ever presented to any army. We can attack in any direction." -- Brig. Gen. Anthony McAuliffe, Battle of the Bulge, WWII. % "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is illustrated by an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." % "The Internet is an unpredictable place, but we try hard to make it work the way it does in movies. Thanks." % "World peace has been delayed until further notice." % "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" -- Homer Simpson % "You know you have an alcohol problem if you're fridge is empty." % "We're not net nazis. We're dot communists." % "Morning's a state of mind." % "Once a month we become irrational, just like women." -- Loaded magazine % "Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life." % "It's better to have loved and lost, than to be gang raped in a Turkish prison." % This message has been ROT-13 encrypted twice for extra security. % As usual, I can not take responsibility for any of this. If for some reason this causes something to drink all your beer and sleep with your girlfriend, it's not my problem =) % "If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry." -- Chekhov % "Yay verily and was much work done, and several projects signed off. And there was much rejoicing. And QA came unto thy programming team and talked about having a post project dissection of 'what we could do better'. A great shadow fell across the land and the hackers fled into the darkest corners of the offices." -- Alan Cox % "no amount of Zen contemplation will ever make you at one with a 3c905B ethernet card." --- Alan Cox % "Education is very important. School, however, is another matter." -- Unknown % "My English teacher once told me that two positives don't make a negative. Two words for her: Yeah, right." % "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." % Richard hesitated at the bottom of the stairs and peered upward into the surrounding gloom. Too many little agonies to remember of that fateful night so long ago. To the boyscout he had been, and the man he now was, only preparation mattered. A defibrulator in one hand and a live chicken in the other he put one foot on the bottom stair and made his way up. Now they would all pay! % The Geeks will inherit the earth, but they will only have read access % Help, I'm trapped inside an IT startup... % "In God We Trust, Others We Monitor" % "Its really sad to see such a sweet machine crippled by lack of proper mouse buttons." -- Slashdot about the new Apple PowerBook G4 % -- Support your government, give Echelon / Carnivore something to parse -- classfield top-secret government restricted data information project CIA KGB GRU DISA DoD defense systems military systems spy steal terrorist Allah Natasha Gregori destroy destruct attack democracy will send Russia bank system compromise international own rule the world ATSC RTEM warmod ATMD force power enforce sensitive directorate TSP NSTD ORD DD2-N AMTAS STRAP warrior-T presidental elections policital foreign embassy takeover % "God, root, what is difference?" % "OSI: same-day delivery in a millisecond world" -- Phil Karn % "Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music." -- Marcus Brigstocke % "If Sweden continues to take in foreigners, then I will move to a country that doesn't". -- unknown Swedish Nazi % The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. % Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) % "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now." % "Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them." % "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view." % Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. % If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. % ( ) c[] % "Yes, I am drunk. But you, Madam, are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober." -- Winston Spencer Churchill % Programmers often confuse Christmas and Halloween: 31oct equals 25dec! % Potatoes are wonderful. If not for them we'd have no fries or vodka. % "Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." - Batman Costume warning label % No matter how one approaches the figures, one is forced to the rather startling conclusion that the use of firearms in crime was very much less when there were no controls of any sort and when anyone, convicted criminal or lunatic, could buy any type of firearm without restriction. Half a century of strict controls on pistols has ended, perversely, with a far greater use of this weapon in crime than ever before. -- Colin Greenwood, in the study "Firearms Control", 1972 % "But," Matt says, "the server is located on Sealand.  They can't touch me!" "Oh, yes, they can," points out Matt's lawyer. "They might have difficulty touching your server -- at least for now -- but they can definitely touch you, <...> And, if you're not careful, you'll be sent to a facility where a large man named 'Spike' will also touch you on a nightly basis." -- about Matt Goyer's plan to move Napster offshore % 37% of your base are belong to IRS. % Operator: Somebody set up us the bomb. % Cats: All your base are belong to us. % Captain: For great justice. % perl -le '$_="6110>374086;2064208213:90<307;55";tr[0->][ LEOR!AUBGNSTY];print' % "Darling, sex between two people can be a beautiful thing, but between four people... fantastic!" -- Bette Midler in "For the Boys" % Rehab is for Quitters % I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight. % Never fight ugly people for they have nothing to loose % I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. % "Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." -- Dick Brandon % "You don't make peace with your friends." -- Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin before a peace meeting with PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat at The Whitehouse. % #!/usr/bin/env perl $_="6110>374086;2064208213:90<307;55";tr[0->][ LEOR!AUBGNSTY];$|=1;for(split//) {for($j=35;--$j>$i;){print"\e[K\e[0;${j}H$_";select'','','',.01}$i++}print"\n"; % Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. -- Haiku by Peter Rothman % "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." % We should all understand that the following line is intended to lead directly to total gun confiscation: "It's an ugly, bad, mean gun that's made with the sole purpose of killing nice people in a mean way. It's not like you'd take that AK duck hunting, is it?" -- From a discussion in rec.guns % "In the Navy portable meant there was a handle on it somewhere. If you welded a handle to the flight deck we could make a label for 'Carrier, aircraft, portable. Extremely heavy, lift with care'. Much like the 'portable' test rig we used that weighed on the order of 280 lbs." - alt.sysadmin.recovery quote % "What temperature does VC money burn at?" % At first there was nothing. Then God said 'Let there be light!' Then there was still nothing. But you could see it. % Johnny took a drink, But he will drink no more, For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4. % 'SYN! .. SYN|ACK! .. ACK!' - the mating call of the internet % "Bones heal, chicks dig scars, pain is temporary but glory is forever!" % Muhammad Ali visited the ruins of the World Trade Center on Thursday. When reporters asked how he felt about the suspects sharing his Islamic faith, Ali responded pleasantly, "How do you feel about Hitler sharing yours?" % /(bb|[^b]{2})/ % "Mary had a crypto key, she kept it in escrow, and everything that Mary said, the Feds were sure to know." % It's bad luck to be superstitious. % One of the symptoms of alzheimers is repeating yourself. One of the symptoms of alzheimers is repeating yourself. % Cynical: a word used by the frightened to describe the realistic. % "Illegitimis non carborundum" % "It's Not Paranoia If They're Really After You" % "The only privacy left is inside of your head" % Reassessing your goals during the dot-com doom: "My long-term financial goals? I'd like to make it until payday" % "Great Overseer of Development" % "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand." % "Go lease your own planet." % "Open Source. Closed Minds. We are Slashdot." % "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --spaf (1992) % "Don't sweat it -- it's not real life. It's only ones and zeroes." % "In cyberspace, *everyone* can hear you scream." % "The Internet *isn't* *free*. It just has an economy that makes no sense to capitalism." % "Go not to UseNet for counsel, for they will say both `No' and `Yes' and `Try another newsgroup'." % "Cogito ergo disclamo" % "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949 % "Hey, I know this! This is Unix!" - Jurassic Park % "Why do we have to hide from the police, Daddy?" "Because we use emacs, son. They use vi." - Ian Scott % "Linux hackers are funny people: they count the time in patchlevels." - Gerd Knorr % "The Linux philosophy is 'laugh in the face of danger'. Oops. Wrong one. 'Do it yourself'. That's it." - Linus Torvalds % "Linux isn't a product. Linux is an organic part of a software ecosystem." - Unknown % "People standing in the middle of the road look like roadkill" - Linus Torvalds % "Black holes are where God divided by zero." - Steven Wright % "Where's the peer who keeps resetting my connection? I have a broken pipe I'd like to beat him with." - Unknown % "Never ask a geek why, just nod your head and slowly back away." - Rob Malda % "Life's to short to dance with ugly women." - Unknown % "Software is like sex: it's better when it's free." - Linus Torvalds % "Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it ;)" - Linus Torvalds % "Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead." - Unknown % "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." - Franklin D. Roosevelt % "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." - Albert Einstein % "One thing you can't recycle is wasted time." - Anonymous % "The only way to have a friend is to be one." - Ralph Waldo Emerson % "Knowledge is power." - Francis Bacon % "A revolution is not a dinner party." -- Mao Tse Tung % "Don't believe the hype." % An American soldier in a hospital explained how he was wounded: He said, "I was told that the way to tell a hostile Vietnamese from a friendly Vietnamese was to shout 'To hell with Ho Chi Minh!' If he shoots, he's unfriendly. So I saw this dude and yelled 'To hell with Ho Chi Minh!' and he yelled back, 'To hell with President Johnson!' We were shaking hands when a truck hit us." % "This system operates under martial law. The constitution is suspended. You have no rights except as declared by the area commander. Violators will be shot. Repeat violators will be repeatedly shot...." -from "A_W_O_L" % "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." -- Anonymous % Thats my understanding. IANAL, YMMV, and I'm sure you've all got cousins with personal stories that can debunk my raving lunacies ... % The government is acting on behalf of private interests. Ergo, dont blame the government. Blame your neighbour. % I have not yet begun to procrastinate! % "It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it." - Sir Clarence Worley % I'm not a dork, I'm a geek. Ask my girlfriend. % Try it! You will believe I tell the trust. Good bye! Success attend you! % Since year 2000 is now safely behind us, we can now resume coding the year into 2 digit fields. % This message is not Y2K compliant. Don't read it. PANIC ! % Very few people debate "to be or not to be"; the vast majority seek to remain. % Way too much coffee. % 01234567 <- The amazing* indent-o-meter! ^ (*: Indent-o-meter may not actually amaze.) % "Boromir, with three arrows in your chest, you ARE the Weakest Link, g'bye!" % "Life is unfair - but a root password helps!" % "Online, revenge is forever" % "Terrorists believe that anything goes in the name of their cause. The fight against terror must not buy into that logic." -- Human Rights Watch: % "If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, there's going to be one big-ass fight over where to set the thermostat. " -- Jim Rosenberg % "I am hired because I know what I am doing, not because I will do whatever I am told is a good idea. This might cost me bonuses, raises, promotions, and may even label me as "undesirable" by places I don't want to work at anyway, but I don't care. I will not compromise my own principles and judgement without putting up a fight. Of course, I won't always win, and I will sometimes be forced to do things I don't agree with, but if I am my objections will be known, and if I am shown to be right and problems later develop, I will shout "I told you so!" repeatedly, laugh hysterically, and do a small dance or jig as appropriate to my heritage." -- Mike Sphar, re: Abigail's resignation letter % "I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters." -- pedro % People who are willing to rely on the government to keep them safe are pretty much standing on Darwin's mat, pounding on the door, screaming, "Take me, take me!" -- Carl Jacobs % "Doing things randomly is what Admins do best." -- Joe more % "When all you have is a Swiss Army Knife, every problem looks like email." -- Peter da Silva % "I love the way Microsoft follows standards. In much the same manner that fish follow migrating caribou." -- Paul Tomblin % "A communications disruption can only mean one thing... Invasion." -- Lee Maguire, teaching us how to make people go away. % "Remember - if all you have is an axe, every problem looks like hours of fun." -- Frossie % First time I've gotten a programming job that required a drug test. I was worried they were going to say "you don't have enough LSD in your system to do Unix programming". -- Paul Tomblin % "We aim to please. Ourselves, mostly, but we do aim to please." -Anthony DeBoer % "To rephrase, spam is not the answer. Spam is the question. Death is not the answer, but pretty close to it. " -- Vadik % "Keeping UUCP running is starting to seem a lot like keeping a 130-year-old man who smokes 4 packs a day on life support because he's the last person on Earth who knows how to do the cha-cha, but he won't tell anyone." --Ryan Tucker % "SMTP is cute, fluffy and goes Woof! When well treated she wags her tail, licks your face and delivers your mail. When badly treated by spammers or people running exchange//etc she tends to bite back." -- Simon Burr % Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit. % If at first you don't succeed, change the rules. % Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea. % The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. % It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money. % Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy. % All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative. % Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. % Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. % The breakfast of champions is the opposition. % If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. % Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. % Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest. % Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic. % Decadence is its own reward. % An honest politician is one who stays bought. % Organize for anarchy! % Circular definition: see "circular definition." % Help! The paranoids are out to get me! % According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. % I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there. % Tell the truth and run. % He who hesitates is last. % FNORD % A wise man knows everything, a shrewd one, everybody. % Moral victories don't count. % All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own. % Smile! The Illuminati are watching. % Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. % All syllogisms have three parts. Therefore, this is not a syllogism. % I'll have to put something into their food to make them forget about this. % We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you. % Don't steal. The government hates the competition. % Once you give up integrity, the rest is easy! % A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. % I don't suffer from insanity. I revel in it. % Always be smarter than the people who hire you. But never let them know. % The worst thing about censorship is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. % Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. % Smile! It makes them wonder what you're up to. % For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. % A censor is a man who thinks he knows more than you ought to. % If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research. % The less a politician amounts to, the more he loves the flag. % Age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time. % Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future. % Are you sure? [N] Y % What if this weren't a hypothetical question? % All generalizations are incorrect, including this one. % Join the Illuminati and see the world . . . differently. % Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate. % Beware of the superficially profound. % Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. % All law is codified revenge. % Did you know that "gullible" isn't in the dictionary? Look it up. % Hail Eris! All hail Discordia! % If winning doesn't matter, why keep score? % Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder. % Smash the state, and have a nice day. % Abandon all hope ye who PRESS ENTER here. % No good deed goes unpunished. % Thoughts good! Slogans bad! Thoughts good! Slogans bad! % Gotta run, my government's collapsing. % A friend is someone you call to help you move. A real friend is someone you call to help you move a body. % Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat. % Eschew obfuscation! % Someone you trust is one of us . . . % This is a test. This is only a test. Had this been a real emergency, you would all be dead by now. % "Nature has made up her mind that what cannot defend itself shall not be defended." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % "Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy." - Ambrose Bierce % "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Albert Einstein % "The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." Flannery O'Connor % "Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self confidence." - Robert Frost % "The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist." -The Usual Suspects % "At first there was nothing. Then god said 'Let there be light!'. Then there was still nothing, but at least you could see it" - Martin Dougiamas % "The Attorney for the Defense will quit referring the Prosecutor as 'Demon Spawn from Hell!'" - Houston Judge to anti-choice attorney David Broderick % "Criminal: an individual with predatory instincts but not yet sufficient capital to form a corporation" - Ambrose Bierce % "Baldric, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing `subtle plans are here again'" - BA IV % "God made Man to his image and likeness, and Man, being a gentleman, returned the compliment" Voltaire % "You ate my ear, murdered your wife, tried to frame me for it, and you're mad because I lied?" % "My motherfucker is so cool that when he goes to bed sheep count *him*" % "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick, "How to Build a Universe" % Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine. % Information may want to be free, but fiber optic cable wants to be one million US dollars per mile. % "Erin, you're a terrific person on the surface, but deep down you're a woman" -- Titus % "Trust is a weakness" % "If you come from a Perl or PHP background, JSP is a way to take your pain to new levels. --Anonymous" % "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen % "People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked." -- Paul Newman ('Winning' - Movie) % "The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong." -- Archie Bunker ('All in the Family' - Television) % "[Marriage is] like signing a 356-page contract without knowing what's in it." -- Kenneth Hartley Blanchard % "Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but i wouldn't want to own one." -- W.C. Fields % "Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little crying, a little dying - and a good deal of lying." -- Ansey % Slashdot Karma Math: 50 + 3 - 3 = 47 50 - 3 + 3 = 50 % If you have $500 worth of consumer-grade PC parts, showing them off with a Plexiglass window and lighted PC case is just pathetic. % If you think that a handheld needs to play MP3s, you should hold off buying one until you grow up. % A 14 year old kid with a net worth of $32 that pirated a copy of a $3,000 software package deprived the publisher of $0. % Given enough time and discouragment, anyone can see when it's time to stop fighting the tide and get the fuck off the beach. % There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't. % "If you can't beat them, join them" I say don't join them, that way you'll have the element of surprise. % "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space" % Grief is the price we pay for love. % Oh my god this is gonna be great, goodbye afternoon of productivity. % Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. -- Matt Groening % Microsoft Vaccine 2000 is configuring your immune system. This may take a few minutes. If your body stops responding for a long time and there is no brain activity please die. Setup will continue after you are reborn. -- Buzh, keeper of the moose. % Jack Valenti is to the American film viewer and the American public as the Boston strangler is to the woman home alone. (http://cryptome.org/hrcw-hear.htm) % "It's about sex drugs and rock'n'roll, pure violence and brutal rapings. It's about building bombs, penetrating military protected buildings and taking over the world. The same thing we do every night pinkey." % "This is a pain which is going to linger." -- Pinky & The Brain % "Yes! This pain will definitely be with me." -- Pinky & The Brain % "If I could reach you, I would hurt you." -- Pinky & The Brain % "Some mice have more evolving to do than others." -- Pinky & The Brain % "Remember, I'm not just the president of the Small Club for Men, I'm also a mouse planning world domination." -- P&B in The Helpinky Formula % Best viewed with Netscape 4.7 for UNIX/X on a 1280x1024 resolution with 24-bit color depth, maximum contrast, minimum brightness, in a 1000x960 window placed in the exact center of your display with this window manager configuration [etc.] % People who are willing to rely on the government to keep them safe are pretty much standing on Darwin's mat, pounding on the door, screaming, "Take me, take me!" -- Carl Jacobs % Traditional French battle cry: "We Surrender, here, have my daughter."? -- Paul Tomblin % What's that word, it means you feel small and red, starts with an M? Management. -- Simon Fraser & Peter da Silva % "A communications disruption can only mean one thing... Invasion." -- Maguire % "BTW. Violence, rude language, excessive drinking, paganism. It's hard to find children's books like that these days." -- Stig Morten Valstad % "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to using Windows NT for mission-critical applications." -- Devin L. Ganger % "A disturbance of sysadmins. Because if we are, you will be." -- Joe Thompson % "I'm not lean and mean, I'm surly and anorexic". -- Chris "Saundo" Saunderson % "Coed Naked Tech Support: You're Never Alone When You're On The Phone." -- The motto at loyola.edu's helpdesk % "If USENET is anarchy, IRC is a paranoid schizophrenic after 6 days on speed." -- Chris "Saundo" Saunderson % "Me and the caller ID window have a very positive working relationship." -- Mike Sphar % "'Lotus Notes for Dummies' is surely a single page pull out with 'don't' printed on it." -- Unknown % "In fact, I think "Hello Kitty, Destroyer of Worlds" would be a very appropriate name for a cruise missile." -- Collin Forbes % "It might not be practical, it might not be a good idea, but it could work. Sort of like Windows." -- berry % "Surely the 4 sysadmins of the apocalypse should be: edquota, rm -rf, kill -9, and shutdown" -- Rob Blake % "Surely the 4 lusers of the apocalypse should be: advertising, can't log in, power switch, and what backup?" -- Alistair Young % "Typical sysadmin day: Hours of endless frustration punctuated by moments of sheer terror." -- Saul Tannenbaum % "When I first started working with sendmail, I was convinced that the cf file had been created by someone bashing their head on the keyboard. After a week, I realised this was, indeed, almost certainly the case" -- Unknown % ThisemailhasbeenbroughttoyoubyJOLTCola, favoredbyssysadmins,netadminsandprogrammerseverywhere. JOLTCola--forallthesugarandtwicethecaffine(R). -- Mark P. Beckman % "A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day." % "I have come to believe in the Buhddist concept of reincarnation. And I swear that whatever I did in a past life to deserve this I will *NEVER EVER* do again." -- BroCaca % "Irix is about as stable as a one-legged drunk with hypothermia in a four- hundred mile wind, balancing on a banana peel on a greased cookie sheet. When someone throws him an elephant with bad breath and a worse temper." -- Simon Cozens % "The best answer when anybody asks you if you're any good with explosives is to hold up two open hands and simply say "Ten"." -- Anthony DeBoer % "I've found that nurturing one's Zen nature is vital to dealing with technology. Violence is pretty damn useful too." -- Lionel Lauer % is it legal? dont know, im doing it from bonds box % "8 hours and 53 minutes without a remote hole in the default install!" % # The End, by The Beatles END { $you->take($love) eq $you->made($love) ; } % "Vu ja dé, the odd feeling nothing has ever happened before..." % "If you don't want it printed, don't let it happen" % I am root. If you hear me swearing, save your work and check your backups. (You do have backups, don't you?) % "Not only that, but Google is fast. In fact, it's quite competitive with DNS." -- Raph Levien % "I used to herd dairy cows. Now I herd lusers. Apart from the isolation, I think I preferred the cows. They were better conversation, easier to milk, and if they annoyed me enough, I could shoot and eat them." -- R. Donaldson % "!!! TURKEY SUPPORTERS...DO NOT LET THE TURKEY BE SILENCED !!!" -- GOBBLES % "Me fail English? Unpossible!" -- x % "Am I alone in saying: "Fuck Verisign in ways only legal in Haiti"? These mind numbingly obtuse cocksuckers deserve individually celebrated polyp reamings with rusty howitzers." -- Scott Paddock % "Pick a card, any card. Now look at this pile of marbles. You will notice that your card is not among them! I AM THE AMAZING KARNAK!" -- Crackmonkey % "VBScript is designed to be a secure programming environment. It lacks various commands that can be potentially damaging if used in a malicious manner. This added security is critical in enterprise solutions." -- support.microsoft.com % "Know your limitations. We already do." % "Home is where your email address is." % "downtime n. The period during which a system is error-free and immune from user input." -- Joost % "What doesn't kill me, makes me stranger." -- from the corrected text % "OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything." -- Ron DuFresne % "Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it." -- Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man %